Expendable me

Published August 28, 2012 by Diosa

I turned 32 today and this is my first post for the 365 posts I promised to myself. I don’t know if I can keep up with this blogging but I might find it worthy of my time. Why expendable me? Expendable means

  1. (of an object) Designed to be used only once and then abandoned or destroyed.
  2. Of little significance when compared to an overall purpose, and therefore able to be abandoned.

Too dramatic and gruesome right? As of yesterday, I had my moment of feeling old, dramatic, and tired of the usual routine. I’m still living with my parents (with no space for privacy) and missing my sisters terribly. Have you read Veronika Decides to Die? Well, I was pondering and relating very much with her ordeal. My mom was pushing me to clean the house and calling me very lazy. My dad was under acting and pretending to be doing all the cleaning. I gave up arguing. I don’t want to point the obvious that we actually have house helper. And how much dirt can 4 people could actually accumulate? I’m not lazy because I work almost 10 hours a day during weekdays plus 2 half-day Saturdays. I was so upset so I scratched my wrist. (It’s so stupid, I remember saying to myself “para kang tanga.”)

hindi ako suicidal, nagdadrama lang

I just shut the hell up and then they were nagging me to go out with them and watch a movie. Really, it’s a losing battle whenever I try to resist them. I took a bath and went out. Surprisingly, they gave me a wonderful treat. My dad treated us with my favorite tenderloin steak and my mom bought me swimsuit cover up and snorkeling gear. (My sisters can’t believe it either!) After that, we watched “Expendables 2.” OH, how I LOVE Expendables 2. My action heroes are altogether in one movie. Yes, I was one of the people who clapped after the action-packed scenes. (1. when Chuck Norris saved them first 2. when they fought for the village (Jason Statham is soooo hot! ) 3. when Arnold S. (yeah, it’s hard to spell, don’t want to google it) drilled them out 4. when they all fought together at the airport 5. and yes, another applause for Chuck! ( I never appreciated his movies but I sooo liked him in this movie) Van Damme did well in playing the man we love to hate. I could rave all the lines I love:

1. “When was the last time you did that?, I forgot.” while watching Billy the kid breezed through the steep forest.

2. “I’ll be back” / “You’ve been back enough.”

3. “That belongs in a museum.” / “We all do.”

For a movie that’s supposed to be used only once, I don’t mind having a part 3.

The whole day totally soothed my grudge and sweetened my disposition.

Going back to philosophizing the meaning of expendable, well, we all live once. The day we are born is the day we start dying. We need to fully live our lives. The world does not revolve around us. We are just part of the big picture. After falling off the calendar, I reflected on the days when I can’t wait to grow up and be an adult. I wanted to rush things and constantly worry about the future. This time, I wish for the time to slow down. Live each day. Smile for a moment. Laugh a lot. Cry a little. Get mad. Travel more. Walk farther. Drive now. Say what you mean. Mean what you say.Hold tight. Let go.

Though my parents drive me crazy at times, I would still love to spend time with them. When I was in my 20’s, I decided that I should be married at 30. And then, I don’t see marriage an option anymore. I dreamed of being a teacher and then, I dream to have another dream. I hope to build something. But the truth is, I really don’t know what chances I’ll take. I just pray that I have the courage to actually take the chance.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It’s actually a good start. I was early at work today. It was smooth traffic all the way to school and no bad men trying to slash my bag. My colleagues greeted me. We ate lunch on time. I was less irritated. I taught and learned. I realized why I love and hate my job. One preschooler had a very high-pitched voice. A grade school student concluded, “you must hate your job, she’s so annoying.” That remark actually calmed me down. I have been teaching her since she was in nursery now she’s grade 7. It was fun teaching her and after 3hours of studying, I told her “you must hate studying with me.” Then we laughed out loud. Well, my luck ran out and I got stuck in traffic. I got off and walked home. My mom and dad waited me for dinner. They might have took an hour earlier to realize that it is my birthday today but they did make up big time.

I feel loved and I’m thankful.

*** I’m grateful to my family and friends that greeted me thru text. I just felt more important and I was touched.. really. Tata, Karen, Tito Ago and Tita Magie, Tita Liset, Made, Tita Baby, Ama, Janet, Rica,Beng, Ian and for my starbucks coffee,

my fave espresso frap

Mae, AJ, Arnold, Liza, Tita Susan and Mabel and Jen. My facebook friends, more than hundred people greeted me! Even my highschool crush who never talked to me.

And my sisters who called me, I just miss you so much. We’ve been celebrating birthdays separately for too long.


2 comments on “Expendable me

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

    WordPress.com Logo

    You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

    Google photo

    You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: